Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
