you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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