I think I died a long time ago.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
