I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
