I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Terrible idea I love it
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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