We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
