i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
