I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You did what with his pubic hair?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
