Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
