Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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