I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
