found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
