I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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