Can i not drive my cunt home
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
