Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
