end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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