Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
