Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
