if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
