im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Randomize
