i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
