Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
