Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
