I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize
