hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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