Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
