I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
