Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
