having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
