Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
