I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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