Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I just blew my weed a kiss
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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