You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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