Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
