You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
