I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
