She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
