i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
he fucked my hip out of place.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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