Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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