Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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