i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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