I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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