Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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