Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Hippo gnu deer
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
