The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
We don't watch enough power rangers
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
