Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
