one two three fourrrrnication!
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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