the condom got lost in my hair
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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