Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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