i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
