Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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