I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
