My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
