you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
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