Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
